Funny Stuff – Page 16 – GEORGE ROTHERT

Orange You Glad….

Having lately emigrated from northern California, I still keep up on the news from my previous home. Other parts of the country, or even other parts of northern California, deal with raucous town hall meetings or rioting in the streets over speakers invited onto campus. Sonoma County, by contrast, is mired in controversy over Superior Court Judge Elliot Daum’s artistic – or political – expression. After the recent peaceful transfer of power with the inauguration of a new president, Judge Daum removed the portrait of Barack Obama from his courtroom. The space previously reserved for the president’s image now displays a single piece of fruit, an orange. A real orange. Local Republicans and some lawyers have criticized the judge’s allegedly expressing political opinions in court and showing disrespect for the president.

A Sonoma State University criminal justice professor said Daum’s orange “pushes the limits of what we hope for from our judges in terms of their involvement in the politics of the day.” He went on to say, “I also think it is pretty funny.”

Judge Daum so far has made no public comment on the matter.

Academy Awards Preview

To get in the mood for Hollywood’s annual bacchanal of self-congratulation, have a look at the opening of the 25th Academy Awards ceremony in 1953 – the first to be televised.

Lots of jokes about that new curiosity taking up space in living rooms – television.

Welcome to PDX

Portland has become so hip that the rapidly gentrifying New York borough of Brooklyn is known to many as the “Portland of the East.” The TV series “Portlandia” told the world that the City of Roses is the place “where young people go to retire.” Portland brags that it has more breweries – and strip cubs – than any other city in the country. It is also overrun with dogs (water bowls outside entrances to businesses are mandatory) and bicyclists (most of whom flout traffic laws.)

If you’re coming to Portland to participate in the World Naked Bike Ride this summer, you’ll be glad to know the PDX airport has set aside a place for you after you’ve claimed your bicycle.

If you’re traveling with your pet, not to worry, there’s a special place for you, too.

12 Things for a Better World

Plastic wrap in packaging that has an edge to tear off the needed amount in a straight edge – and really works – to put an end to struggling to rip off a piece and end up with a crumpled mess folded over on itself.
A communications company – cellular phone, cable television – that will communicate. You could call and speak with an actual person without wasting a half-hour of your life responding with keypad or voice (that is not understood) to computer-generated prompts.
Specialty contractor you can hire to come to your house and remove all no-longer-used cable – telephone, cable TV, satellite TV, Internet, power/transformer cords – that are hiding behind furniture or inside walls
A smartphone app: English-Starbucks dictionary so a neophyte can place an order without embarrassment at one of the ubiquitous coffee stores where “Tall” means small. You could order with confidence a “double-shot grandé frappe no foam with room” and no one would look funny at you.
A portable Transporter like what is used in Star Trek. When you find a Yukon XL S.U.V. parked in a space – likely in a space and a half – labeled “Compact,” you can dematerialize the over-sized beast and beam it to a field of weeds, then park your Prius in the space that is rightfully yours.
Costco shuttle – a vehicle – preferably electric powered – to carry you, and the giant-size items you purchased, from the store to your vehicle, parked far away at the other end of the dangerous parking lot. (Inside the store, traffic signals at aisle intersections and painted lines on the floor, like on highways, with no-passing zones, wouldn’t be a bad idea either.)
Standardized bath fixtures in hotels. This would avoid the danger of breaking the shower control by turning the handle when it must to be pulled to start the water. Or avoiding the perverse trick where the hot is on the right and on the left is cold.
Warnings on beer labels: “This is not locally-produced craft beer. It’s made by a giant multi-national conglomerate but packaged to make you think it’s a small brewery. The money you spend on this will leave the country.”
A No-Children section in restaurants, preferably with a soundproof wall separating it from the other diners. Because the food in bars – where people younger than twenty-one without fake ID are not allowed – typically is not very good.
Smartphone, tablet or computer setting that blocks emojis. Because the emoji is the harbinger of the end of language. Texting has already replaced speaking to each other anymore, or writing in complete sentences. If we don’t stamp them out, in the future we’ll communicate without using language at all. Future historians will be able to do little more than interpret the cryptic symbols.
Lengthy prison terms for bicyclists who come up from behind pedestrians without giving warning. Capital punishment if there is a bike path separate from the walking path.
An app that will delete something you posted on the Internet and now want to remove… Ha! Ha! Ha! Just kidding! Nothing says “Forever” like what you put out on the Internet.

Because All Black People Know Each Other

It’s still Black History Month and our president is still honoring it. From yesterday’s press conference:

“We’re going to do a lot of work on the inner cities. I have great people lined up to help with the inner cities.”

“When you say the inner cities, are you going to include the CBC, Mr. President, in your conversations with your urban agenda, your inner city agenda—” American Urban Radio Networks reporter April Ryan asked.

“Am I going to include who?”

“Are you going to include the Congressional Black Caucus and the Congressional Hispanic Caucus—”

“Well, I would. I tell you what, do you want to set up the meeting?” Trump said, speaking over her. “Do you want to set up the meeting?”

“No, no, no, I’m just a reporter,” Ryan said.

“Are they friends of yours? No, go ahead. Set up the meeting.”

“I know some of them, but I’m sure—”

“Let’s go. Set up a meeting.”

Hare and Loathing in Las Vegas

Last month you read here about the shrinking availability of free parking at casino garages in Las Vegas and the simmering anger of the city’s residents. Now a new menace is imperiling Sin City: bunnies. Not the jackrabbits living in the surrounding desert, but cute little bunny rabbits.

When pet owners become bored with their pet rabbits or tired of feeding them and disposing of the rabbit droppings, they often drop them off in a remote neighborhood. Instead of disappearing, the rabbits do what rabbits do. Besides making rabbit pellets, they also make more rabbits. A lot of them. More than the city is able to control. Bunnies are taking over Las Vegas. The cute – now feral – bunny rabbits dig up property and chew on pipes. Dead bunnies are often found in the sewers.

Volunteer groups have tried capturing rabbits, spaying, then releasing them, but can’t keep up with bunny multiplication. Vigilantes have spread avocados – harmful to baby bunnies – in rabbit habitats.

Las Vegas has survived gangsters and corporate-run gambling. It would be sad if bunnies caused its demise.