In Concert

Over the years, I have been to a lot of music concerts and clubs. Lately, there’ve been all these grey-headed and bald people at the shows I attend. Old people have always hated my music. Now the audiences are filled with old people. Why are they there if they don’t like the music? And why are the performers so much heavier than they used to be?

And for some unknown reason, the lines in the men’s rooms are as long as in the women’s. Why does it take so long for these guys to pee? There should be timers at the urinals, so the lines can keep moving. If the buzzer sounds before your bladder is empty, too bad. Back to the end of the line you go.

There was a time when the price of admission was the same as the ticket price. No more. The ticket’s face value is only the start. Add on the “Convenience Fee,” even if it’s for the convenience of going in person to the box office to buy the tickets. “Service Fee?” Is that for the service of actually giving your tickets to you after you have paid for them? “Handling Fee?” What handling? You likely printed the tickets yourself with your own ink on your own paper.

Summertime is outdoor music festival time. Outdoor venues come in all sizes. The norm these days is an entrance fee for the common people and a much higher price for admission to a special elite section in front of the stage, where everyone can see that you are not part of the rabble. Even if you venture outside the exclusive roped-off area, others will know by your colored wristband that you are special. A better use of colored wristbands would be to assign colors to people based on how much of their bodies they will be allowed to expose. Security would be deployed as necessary. “I’m sorry, but your yellow wristband requires that you do not remove your XXL t-shirt.”

We all know the shows are contracted for a certain time period and end at the scheduled time. Yet we still must go through the game of the performer leaving the stage and the audience clapping and cheering. If the applause is sincere enough and loud enough, the performers will be convinced to return. When the begging has gone on for the appropriate length of time, the band returns for the encore. If they really appreciated their audience, instead of making us beg, they would play another song. The show will end at the same time with or without an encore. (I once saw Randy Newman, who upon his return to the stage, announced, “I was coming back anyway, but I really had to pee!”) When the house lights go up, we know the show is really over; the performers are not returning to the stage, so it’s OK to stop cheering.

It’s time to put away the smart phones. You’ve got your priceless photos and videos. Your Facebook friends know where you’ve been and they all are very jealous. Has someone invented an app yet to give directions to where the car is parked?

Leave a Reply